Back in SA - the backlash
Interesting - finding myself mildy depressed being back here. It started as soon as I sat down in the departure lounge at Abu Dhabi airport - being surrounded by South African accents.
While overseas I didn't miss a single thing about SA; didn't feel "homesick" for a single second. Yet as soon as I landed in Jhb and while driving home, I missed Dubai. I've yet to unpack this psychologically, but it's freaking me out a bit.
Now I know what Trevor means when he says that every time he comes back here he feels "crushed".
This trip seems to have triggered some very old archetypes and, I guess, prejudices, that I have had my whole life, particularly in my teens and early twenties.
Old memories of growing up here have been retriggered - of thinking every single day that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of this country. I thought I had made peace with living here as I grew older, but I think I am realising that I have been bullshitting myself (helped massively by the influence of all the alcohol!)
This feeling of living in a conservative backwater, being caned at school for not adhering to and speaking out against "verkrampt" rules, the religious indoctrination, being denied access to the books I wanted to read, being surrounded by people who didn't realise that SA was not the extent of the known world... all of these feelings have come flooding back, exacerbated immeasurably by spending time in a cosmopolitan environment for the first time in my life. The essential South African-ness that for years made me feel vaguely nauseous seems to be back in full force. Its main characteristic seems to be a small-mindedness that sickens me.
Now it's just a different kind of small-mindedness - things like believing that a shower will prevent AIDS, that Jeremy Mansfield is actually funny, that inefficient service is not such a big deal, that Watershed or Prime Circle are credible bands, or that driving drunk is cool.
Of course I have always made sure to surround myself with friends who are not small-minded, who are not "South African" in their thinking processes. Broadminded and sophisticated people. But they are such a small minority in a country where the top grossing movies are made by Leon Schuster. I've realised that of all the relationships I've had in my life (friends and girlfriends), the vast majority of them were either born overseas, or come from families with strong ties outside SA.
I realise at a rational level that a lot has changed in SA over the past 10 years or so - but these feelings persist. Sure we have one of the most enlightened constitutions in the world, but how free has this really made us, and how happy and free of anxiety are we really?
Because with those changes has come a disintegration of society at a frightening level and pace. The impact of spending time in a place where you don't worry about your physical safety and that of your possessions on a daily basis has been huge. It's made me realise that we live like prisoners here.
Before anyone jumps in with comments like "I don't feel unsafe here" or "I feel free to do whatever I like, you're just neurotic" :) - just stop and question yourself for a moment...
* When was the last time you walked alone at night into the centre of Jhb to have coffee at the Ninos in Fox Street? (Yes there really is one there ;)
* When was the last time you parked somewhere without the thought of "Will my car be safe" momentarily and automatically flickering across your mind?
* Do you have an alarm system in your house, or do you pay extra on your rent or bond in your townhouse complex for security? Have you ever moved into a new place and NOT given any thought to security?
* If you have children, when was the last time you let your child go off to play on his/her bicycle alone, without worrying about something bad happening? At night?
So I've just dumped this all down here - not trying to open up an argument or bash SA - just trying to get to grips with some really strong and disconcerting feelings that I thought I'd dealt with long ago!
While overseas I didn't miss a single thing about SA; didn't feel "homesick" for a single second. Yet as soon as I landed in Jhb and while driving home, I missed Dubai. I've yet to unpack this psychologically, but it's freaking me out a bit.
Now I know what Trevor means when he says that every time he comes back here he feels "crushed".
This trip seems to have triggered some very old archetypes and, I guess, prejudices, that I have had my whole life, particularly in my teens and early twenties.
Old memories of growing up here have been retriggered - of thinking every single day that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of this country. I thought I had made peace with living here as I grew older, but I think I am realising that I have been bullshitting myself (helped massively by the influence of all the alcohol!)
This feeling of living in a conservative backwater, being caned at school for not adhering to and speaking out against "verkrampt" rules, the religious indoctrination, being denied access to the books I wanted to read, being surrounded by people who didn't realise that SA was not the extent of the known world... all of these feelings have come flooding back, exacerbated immeasurably by spending time in a cosmopolitan environment for the first time in my life. The essential South African-ness that for years made me feel vaguely nauseous seems to be back in full force. Its main characteristic seems to be a small-mindedness that sickens me.
Now it's just a different kind of small-mindedness - things like believing that a shower will prevent AIDS, that Jeremy Mansfield is actually funny, that inefficient service is not such a big deal, that Watershed or Prime Circle are credible bands, or that driving drunk is cool.
Of course I have always made sure to surround myself with friends who are not small-minded, who are not "South African" in their thinking processes. Broadminded and sophisticated people. But they are such a small minority in a country where the top grossing movies are made by Leon Schuster. I've realised that of all the relationships I've had in my life (friends and girlfriends), the vast majority of them were either born overseas, or come from families with strong ties outside SA.
I realise at a rational level that a lot has changed in SA over the past 10 years or so - but these feelings persist. Sure we have one of the most enlightened constitutions in the world, but how free has this really made us, and how happy and free of anxiety are we really?
Because with those changes has come a disintegration of society at a frightening level and pace. The impact of spending time in a place where you don't worry about your physical safety and that of your possessions on a daily basis has been huge. It's made me realise that we live like prisoners here.
Before anyone jumps in with comments like "I don't feel unsafe here" or "I feel free to do whatever I like, you're just neurotic" :) - just stop and question yourself for a moment...
* When was the last time you walked alone at night into the centre of Jhb to have coffee at the Ninos in Fox Street? (Yes there really is one there ;)
* When was the last time you parked somewhere without the thought of "Will my car be safe" momentarily and automatically flickering across your mind?
* Do you have an alarm system in your house, or do you pay extra on your rent or bond in your townhouse complex for security? Have you ever moved into a new place and NOT given any thought to security?
* If you have children, when was the last time you let your child go off to play on his/her bicycle alone, without worrying about something bad happening? At night?
So I've just dumped this all down here - not trying to open up an argument or bash SA - just trying to get to grips with some really strong and disconcerting feelings that I thought I'd dealt with long ago!
posted by Zapruder | 16:23
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