Back in SA - the backlash
Interesting - finding myself mildy depressed being back here. It started as soon as I sat down in the departure lounge at Abu Dhabi airport - being surrounded by South African accents.
While overseas I didn't miss a single thing about SA; didn't feel "homesick" for a single second. Yet as soon as I landed in Jhb and while driving home, I missed Dubai. I've yet to unpack this psychologically, but it's freaking me out a bit.
Now I know what Trevor means when he says that every time he comes back here he feels "crushed".
This trip seems to have triggered some very old archetypes and, I guess, prejudices, that I have had my whole life, particularly in my teens and early twenties.
Old memories of growing up here have been retriggered - of thinking every single day that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of this country. I thought I had made peace with living here as I grew older, but I think I am realising that I have been bullshitting myself (helped massively by the influence of all the alcohol!)
This feeling of living in a conservative backwater, being caned at school for not adhering to and speaking out against "verkrampt" rules, the religious indoctrination, being denied access to the books I wanted to read, being surrounded by people who didn't realise that SA was not the extent of the known world... all of these feelings have come flooding back, exacerbated immeasurably by spending time in a cosmopolitan environment for the first time in my life. The essential South African-ness that for years made me feel vaguely nauseous seems to be back in full force. Its main characteristic seems to be a small-mindedness that sickens me.
Now it's just a different kind of small-mindedness - things like believing that a shower will prevent AIDS, that Jeremy Mansfield is actually funny, that inefficient service is not such a big deal, that Watershed or Prime Circle are credible bands, or that driving drunk is cool.
Of course I have always made sure to surround myself with friends who are not small-minded, who are not "South African" in their thinking processes. Broadminded and sophisticated people. But they are such a small minority in a country where the top grossing movies are made by Leon Schuster. I've realised that of all the relationships I've had in my life (friends and girlfriends), the vast majority of them were either born overseas, or come from families with strong ties outside SA.
I realise at a rational level that a lot has changed in SA over the past 10 years or so - but these feelings persist. Sure we have one of the most enlightened constitutions in the world, but how free has this really made us, and how happy and free of anxiety are we really?
Because with those changes has come a disintegration of society at a frightening level and pace. The impact of spending time in a place where you don't worry about your physical safety and that of your possessions on a daily basis has been huge. It's made me realise that we live like prisoners here.
Before anyone jumps in with comments like "I don't feel unsafe here" or "I feel free to do whatever I like, you're just neurotic" :) - just stop and question yourself for a moment...
* When was the last time you walked alone at night into the centre of Jhb to have coffee at the Ninos in Fox Street? (Yes there really is one there ;)
* When was the last time you parked somewhere without the thought of "Will my car be safe" momentarily and automatically flickering across your mind?
* Do you have an alarm system in your house, or do you pay extra on your rent or bond in your townhouse complex for security? Have you ever moved into a new place and NOT given any thought to security?
* If you have children, when was the last time you let your child go off to play on his/her bicycle alone, without worrying about something bad happening? At night?
So I've just dumped this all down here - not trying to open up an argument or bash SA - just trying to get to grips with some really strong and disconcerting feelings that I thought I'd dealt with long ago!
While overseas I didn't miss a single thing about SA; didn't feel "homesick" for a single second. Yet as soon as I landed in Jhb and while driving home, I missed Dubai. I've yet to unpack this psychologically, but it's freaking me out a bit.
Now I know what Trevor means when he says that every time he comes back here he feels "crushed".
This trip seems to have triggered some very old archetypes and, I guess, prejudices, that I have had my whole life, particularly in my teens and early twenties.
Old memories of growing up here have been retriggered - of thinking every single day that all I wanted to do was get the hell out of this country. I thought I had made peace with living here as I grew older, but I think I am realising that I have been bullshitting myself (helped massively by the influence of all the alcohol!)
This feeling of living in a conservative backwater, being caned at school for not adhering to and speaking out against "verkrampt" rules, the religious indoctrination, being denied access to the books I wanted to read, being surrounded by people who didn't realise that SA was not the extent of the known world... all of these feelings have come flooding back, exacerbated immeasurably by spending time in a cosmopolitan environment for the first time in my life. The essential South African-ness that for years made me feel vaguely nauseous seems to be back in full force. Its main characteristic seems to be a small-mindedness that sickens me.
Now it's just a different kind of small-mindedness - things like believing that a shower will prevent AIDS, that Jeremy Mansfield is actually funny, that inefficient service is not such a big deal, that Watershed or Prime Circle are credible bands, or that driving drunk is cool.
Of course I have always made sure to surround myself with friends who are not small-minded, who are not "South African" in their thinking processes. Broadminded and sophisticated people. But they are such a small minority in a country where the top grossing movies are made by Leon Schuster. I've realised that of all the relationships I've had in my life (friends and girlfriends), the vast majority of them were either born overseas, or come from families with strong ties outside SA.
I realise at a rational level that a lot has changed in SA over the past 10 years or so - but these feelings persist. Sure we have one of the most enlightened constitutions in the world, but how free has this really made us, and how happy and free of anxiety are we really?
Because with those changes has come a disintegration of society at a frightening level and pace. The impact of spending time in a place where you don't worry about your physical safety and that of your possessions on a daily basis has been huge. It's made me realise that we live like prisoners here.
Before anyone jumps in with comments like "I don't feel unsafe here" or "I feel free to do whatever I like, you're just neurotic" :) - just stop and question yourself for a moment...
* When was the last time you walked alone at night into the centre of Jhb to have coffee at the Ninos in Fox Street? (Yes there really is one there ;)
* When was the last time you parked somewhere without the thought of "Will my car be safe" momentarily and automatically flickering across your mind?
* Do you have an alarm system in your house, or do you pay extra on your rent or bond in your townhouse complex for security? Have you ever moved into a new place and NOT given any thought to security?
* If you have children, when was the last time you let your child go off to play on his/her bicycle alone, without worrying about something bad happening? At night?
So I've just dumped this all down here - not trying to open up an argument or bash SA - just trying to get to grips with some really strong and disconcerting feelings that I thought I'd dealt with long ago!
posted by Zapruder | 16:23
10 Comments:
I understand your feelings exactly bro, and you have to come to terms with them and what you're going to do about them. which i'm sure is formulating pretty quickly in your mind since your arrival anyway. you're probably right about our neuroticism living here in Jhb and i've had comments from ex-joburgers that they can feel a real tension when visiting here. i have to say though that i feel very unsafe when walking in cape town city centre at night and would not recommend it - and i lived there a large portion of my life. perhaps i pretend not to notice, but i'm not ignorant of what is going on around me. perhaps not reading the papers, watching the news other than business news helps to soften the sickening blow one feels when confronted with the sick crimes that are perpetrated daily, and perhaps i've been lucky in the 10 years i've been here that not a single thing has happened to me (touch wood). perhaps my years of travelling has taught me not to go fuck around in places after dark that could be dangerous - as the street rule is in every major city in the world. i just don't sit around and worry my empty little brunette head about whether i'm going to be abducted, raped, hijacked, robbed, sodomised and whatever. i just don't. that's my mindset. i believe if you fret about stuff all day you are likely to ask the universe to send some of what you're worry about your way. i take precautions and i'm aware, but that's it. you're pretty dim anywhere in the world if you don't watch out for yourself. i remember an attempt in broad daylight at an outdoor cafe in Barcelona to just lift my bag off a chair and walk away. when i yelled at the dude he said 'oh, i thought it was mine'. i agree - it's nothing in comparison with the violent crime we're subjected to here and i'm not fooling myself. i have a small child and i hate the fact that he cannot ride his bike up and down the street without having to worry about him every minute. i buy my homes in cordoned off areas so he can do that - even though it is mildly supervised from the porch. and yes, i'm planning to buy a weekend country retreat where I can actually allow him to do that without worrying at all. although that's bullshit because mothers worry all the time :) crime isn't the only thing parents worry about. we worry about the state of our education very much and how to afford private education, we worry about the friends our kids play with and whether their parents are good people, we worry about who in our families could be most likely to indecently assault our children, we worry about how to give our children advice to survive in this world without fucking it up any further, we worry about how to teach our children to be good human beings and to distinguish between good and bad. we worry about our kids doing drugs, doing crime, doing anything that will destroy their lives as we know it. this country has a long, long, long, long, fucking long way to go. Mbeki said it - a democracy is not built in 10 years. i don't know how long it takes to build it and as i have no-where else to go i have to believe very strongly that we can make a success of it. i have to believe that our children and their children will continue to fight for that. we didn't kick the fucking racist nats out on their arses for nothing - we worked/fought/suffered/cried/died fucking hard for that. so i really dont' know that anyone can give you answers right now - we're all as concerned, pissed off as you are, but as you said - it's time we deal with it and take action that will change things. it brings to mind Death Wish - perhaps we need Charles Bronson to come back to life and sort the criminals out. Democracy is a hard task - it's always a work in progress. but thank goodness we still have a democracy and we can still have access to the constitution and law. i do a lot of work for NGO's and i see the amazing work these people do. perhaps because of that i have hope. i see how people's lives are changed for the better and how that is passed on. yes, i have hope and because of that i will stay here and work towards just the basic things we want for ourselves and our families - safety, good basic services, a good education and fair treatment in all areas of life. perhaps you're sniggering and saying it'll never happen - well, if we don't try we'll never know....
Hey Marc, I'm really sad to hear how down you are feeling and while I do not feel the same way about the country, I can imagine how you feel. Perhaps I am too much of an optimist, perhaps I have too much "history" locked into South Africa to feel anything but familial affection for the country, perhaps I just want to be a part of making the country a better place in whichever way I can. Whatever my reasons, they do not take away from yours, or anyone else's for that matter. I hate the idea of losing you to another country for the simple reason that I am crap at maintaining contact; that said, finding new pastures is not always running away. If finding a new base is what you need to find a happier, more peaceful place to be then grab it! Don't wait and fall into the trap of frustration like many people do - go and grab your destiny. For the rest of us who feel that base is here, wonderful! For those who don't, get off your asses and do something about it. There is no one shoe fits all scenario, it is a decision that each one of us has to make within our own parameters. Discuss issues, debate them, but take charge of your own destiny. Marc, I have heard these feelings and beliefs from you for some time, isn't it about time you did something about your own situation? sell up and try Dubai. Sooner rather than later. And find out if that is what you really want. If it isn't try, something else. Most of all - get active with your life. Some might follow, some might rebel. It doesn't matter, we all love YOU.
karin and kim have really summed it very well (I especially agree with karin: as the saying goes, "what you fear you create" so I choose not to fear what COULD happen).
I know I have also been very lucky and have not been that badly affected directly by the bad stuff that happens here.
I still drive alone at night and live my life as I want to. I have always said that if that ever changes, that is the time I will have to look at leaving the country.
I understand how you feel now, but you need to consider that maybe you are not seeing the WHOLE picture...?
So, to answer your questions:
* When was the last time you walked alone at night into the centre of Jhb to have coffee at the Ninos in Fox Street? (Yes there really is one there ;)
I've never been to Dubai, but I have travelled to places that a lot of South Africans are running to. And I would not walk alone at night in ANY of those places. Yes, I'm sure they are safer in general, and most people can walk around at night there. But we sometimes walk up the road to the Radium - and when a friend of mine was here from the UK earlier this year, he walked around by himself at night a lot and he was fine. Just after midnight on New Year's, a friend of ours walked home to Killarney alone - from our house in Orange Grove. Not something I would do, but he was fine. There is a LOT of paranoia out there making people more nervous than they need to be. I'm not saying it IS totally safe to walk around Joburg at night - but don't think it's that safe anywhere else in the world either. That being said, from what I've heard about the CBD these days, I reckon it's much safer to walk around Fox Street than Sandton! We go into Newtown all the time and I feel as safe as anything there...
* When was the last time you parked somewhere without the thought of "Will my car be safe" momentarily and automatically flickering across your mind?
If I start feeling that way it's time to leave.
* Do you have an alarm system in your house, or do you pay extra on your rent or bond in your townhouse complex for security? Have you ever moved into a new place and NOT given any thought to security?
My family in Toronto (one of the safest cities in the world) have a security system on their house - AND they've been burgled, which is more than I can say about us. It all comes down to what is important to you as an individual. High walls and electric gates really don't bug me - in fact, I like the privacy compared to the openness of homes overseas.
The fact is the world is not a safe place - there is a lot of kidnappings and child abuse in the USA - and don't get me started about what goes in the schools there! A LOT of people have come back to SA - people with kids - because there is a good quality of life here, if you want to see it.
Guys, thanks for your comments, and the time, consideration and energy taken to make them. I mostly agree, and I think it's just a case of where the balance is and when the hammer falls, as it clearly has for me, but not for others. Fair enough. Instead of trying to address everything at once, I'm going to reply to each one separately - NOT to argue in any way, cos as I said there's more we agree on than not - but mainly to acknowledge your comments giving that you have shown me the consideration to make them in the first place :)
Karin:
Thanks for your honesty, and admitting all the things that you worry about yourself.
I think that there are three reasons why I prefer to leave than to try and make a contribution to growing the future of this country.
Firstly I don't have any children and don't have a need to ensure some sort of future for them here. I completely acknowledge that this is a worthwhile reason to stay for those who have kids.
Secondly I completely agree with Mbeki that it will take much longer than ten years. The thing is just that I'm personally running out of time, given my age, and I don't believe things will come right in my lifetime. Although looking at the kids of today, I do believe that this could one day be a country that lives up to its potential. So that's an admittedly purely selfish reason.
Thirdly, having been pretty seriously involved in the anti-apartheid struggle as a member of the UDF (internal wing of the ANC at the time), and having been firebombed, threatened with death, on security police wanted lists, in hiding for weeks, etc etc I kind of feel like I've done my bit and made a reasonable contribution to this country's future. Now I just want to live in a place that doesn't face all the challenges that we do here.
I'm also perfectly willing to admit that this might be sheer laziness or selfishness on my part :)
Please believe, I'm not sniggering at all at points of view like your own. Yes, I am openly scathing of sanctimonious mindless positivity just for the sake of it though, which is not what you are saying.
As for Charles Bronson, I quite agree - been saying for ages that martial law is what we need.
At the end of the day I'm angry, and because of my particular personal afflictions I cannot afford to be angry, because it leads to a downward spiral. So instead I'm choosing to walk away, rather than fight an unnecessary battle in my head every day :)
Kim:
Thankfully I'm not feeling down anymore - if anything I'm feeling energised in a new way, cos I've finally broken through this feeling of being trapped here - I now have other opportunities and a plan to realise them. It's a huge relief, and I finally feel like I've got something to work towards.
As you say, I need to take charge of my own destiny, and it finally feels like I'm finally doing that, after wasting so many years in another dark place that you are well familiar with! But then again, no regrets, my life path is what it's been and that's just that :)
As I said in a comment above, I already feel like I've made enough of a contribution to the future during those really dark days in the 80s, and unfortunately I don't see things improving drastically in my lifetime (at least not the productive part of it).
So if I can take what you say as advice, you can take it that I'm going to act on it.
Thanks for your love, and have no fear, you might feel you're crap at keeping contact, but I'm not going to let that happen!
Dori:
I don't really worry too much about physical safety either, seeing as I've also been (touch wood) relatively unscathed, and I don't worry about driving around with my windows open or anything like that. There are certain places I don't feel particularly safe, but as you say, that is the same almost anywhere in the world. I also refuse to live like that - well at least without being stupid about my personal safety!
My only concern is that waiting until my life IS affected, might just be too late.
Dave and I were discussing the whole "boiling a frog" analogy, and we realised that the danger of the wait-and-see attitude is that we're relying on our ability to perfectly judge the temperature of the water and to know the right moment to jump out of the pot. Whereas perhaps it makes more sense to just get out immediately and remove the risk of misjudging things.
So a lot of my berating on my blog and emails is out of fear that the people I care about might make some sort of dangerous misjudgement in this dance with the devil that we're all engaged in :)
I do think I am seeing the whole picture. Seeing the big picture means being able to take everything into account, and then to see what the favourable percentages are. And the simple fact is that compared to a lot of (but of course not all) countries, the chances of something bad happening here - never mind crime, let's just say not being able to get a job cos of BEE - are higher than other countries. It doesn't mean that bad things will happen - it just means there is more chance that they will.
Many people accept that chance cos they have reasons to stay - they love the culture, they have kids or other family, they can't afford to leave, they are too rooted here, they want to make a contribution to the country. I recognise these as all being valid, but I just don't subscribe to any of them.
I completely and totally acknowledge that other places also have their dangers, that some places are even worse! But at the same time it would be irrational and illogical to think that there are not some places are in fact safer and, importantly, freer. That doesn't mean that something bad won't happen there - but the chances are just lower - that's really all I need to know.
When I came back from holiday I found out that 3 people I know have been hijacked, 1 person was held at gunpoint in his home while it was robbed, one acqaintance was raped and this morning Jason's office was burgled.
Now with the best intentions in the world, you can't seriously be suggesting that there are not countries in the world where people don't come back from holiday to all this kind of news?
Yes a LOT of people have come back to SA - but even counting them in, the NETT loss of people to this country over the last 10 years is around 1 million. Those are official statistics, and like all official statistics, they are therefore understated. And don't forget, this is only counting those people who are SA citizens. The foreigners who were living here and have left are not even accounted for in that number.
Yes there is still a good quality of life here in many ways (for those of us who are privileged), but to my eye this has been diminishing slowly but surely over the past few years.
What I think I've been suffering from in all this blogging, is this desire to shake my friends and say "Hey, there are better places, let's not wait until we're statistics, let's just get the hell out". I agree that this doesn't acknowledge the reasons people prefer to stay, and it also doesn't acknowledge that everyone has a right to believe what they believe, without me trying to change that.
One of the big challenges for me this year therefore is to keep this in mind and resist the temptation to keep trying!!
There's something that I want to add to Zapruder's general comments about crime and boiling frogs.
Nazi Germany was already significantly Nazi-ish in 1929. It came to a head in the late 30s. Almost a decade after the signs were there. There were Jews and decadent types who refused to look at or acknowledge those signs. And they died gruesomely. Or survived gruesomely.
With Jacob Laduma Zuma gathering a significant following in this country, we've got an early sign. And sadly, it's not an early sign. We're sitting at around 1935 right now in the Nazi Germany analogy. Tony Yengeni walking free, Shabir in
'hospital'. Mbeki and his AIDS denial and his anti-whitisms.
We're in shit. We're in ultra deep shit. Not 'we' whites. We the country. With whites BEING ghettoised.
While I've taken exception to some of Zapruder's argumentation, I agree with his conclusions.
The longer we take to recognise these signs, the harder it will be for us to take effective action.
As of last night, I'm now in active pursuit of a Latvian passport, so that I can get the fuck out of here when I need to. (My dad was born in Latvia, and was on the last ship out of Nazi occupied territory just before the war broke. I have my gran's passport. It has Swastika watermarks on every page.)
So, Zapruder... I may have to crash on your couch in Dubai at some point. Make sure you get a four bedroom place. Cos I think several of your friends might be crashing with me.
Blue skies
love
Roy
For the record, the UK has crappy bands and comedians and arsehole DJs too and people not only think it's funny to drive drunk, they also think it's a good idea to go brawling after the pubs close at 11pm each night.
Haven't checked comments for a while, so need to respond to the latest ones...
Roy....
Indeed! Finally someone seems to be getting the point. The time to wake up is before it's too late; the time to act is before you're forced to; the time to get out of your comfort zone is before someone moves your cheese - or something like that :)
Unforunately most people don't even know history, much less heed it. I was going to use the Nazi analogy, but didn't feel it was my place, so I'm really glad you've spelt it out. This is exactly what's happening, IMNSHO.
Alarmists are seldom very popular, but they tend to survive better ;)
Tanya....
Yes, of course I understand that there is crap elsewhere. The UK (for example) gave us Bucks Fizz, Eastenders, alco-pops (and the charming young girls who drink it).
The difference is that the examples I used for SA are the ones that the people here generally think are the "BEST" we have. The UK also gave us The Beatles, John Peel, Four Weddings & a Funeral and Eddie Izzard. Name the SA equivalents?
Until we live in a country where Leon Schuster is not the biggest box office phenomenon we have ever had, the struggle continues!!!
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